Actual goddesses Janelle Monae and Lizzo scorched every eyebrow at Coachella this weekend with two typically mind-blowing performances and two meme-worthy collaboration moments. First Monae, ruler of the known universe, invited Lizzo on-stage during her Friday set and challenged her to a twerk off. Note, this is also what it says on my coroner’s report. “Cause of death: Janelle Monae challenged Lizzo to a twerk-off.” Put it in the medical textbooks; these doctors need to learn!
Please make sure to check the batteries on your Life Alert before watching the following video:
I know they never said what happened to make half the population disappear on The Leftovers but I think we can all agree that the cause was probably something exactly like this. The only possible response to watching Lizzo at her Yee-Hawtest pouring all that juice over Space Diva Janelle Monae is spontaneously combusting and ceasing to exist. Which I will do with a gladness. Repeatedly, if necessary.
The sight of Janelle and Lizzo opening up a fresh-squeezed juice stand on stage at Coachella will solve every problem in your life. Put this image on the money.
Ben Franklin on the hundo had a good run but I think we all know that if we showed him this photo he’d be like, “Get my California Raisin-looking head off of there and put some real stank on the cash, my dude!”
Actually, we just received an update. It’s this image that should go on the money:
The power this has! The force this has! The percussion this has! You put this image on the money and the national debt will clear itself up in a snap. Everybody in America gets a spontaneous raise. The IRS calls you to say that they’ve rethought this whole taxation thing and they’re going to send you a check and a belated birthday card.
This photo is like Stone Soup for your emotions. The more you look at it, the more fulfilled you get even it’s just sitting there minding its business. Lizzo and Janelle Monae are out here holding it down as Millennial Strega Nonas for your nerves. Incredible!
As if this sight wasn’t transformative enough, Lizzo took the stage on Sunday for a set of her own and guess who was on the front row getting her whole life? That’s right: Janelle Monae, Prime Minister of the Twerkocracy.
Janelle Monae is manifesting HUGE “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” energy here and it’s a blessing.
This immediately goes into the Friendship Goals Hall of Fame. My new life’s ambition is to be supported with even a fraction of fervor that Lizzo is supported by Janelle Monae. Real question: even though I am older than Janelle Monae, can she possibly be my mom? My very cool aunt? My life coach and telephone psychic? I’ll take anything.
I want to shout “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” at the “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” video. I just want to surround myself with images of iconic women watching other iconic women doing amazing and supporting their iconicness. Is there a spa that offers this?
I want to wallpaper my walls with Janelle Monae shouting affirmations at Lizzo and then accent those walls with other similar moments.
There’s Diana Ross’ family telling her “You’re doing amazing, Mommy sweetie.”
There’s Adele telling Beyoncé “Obviously, you know you are doing amazing, but also let me add, you are doing amazing. Sweetie! Mommy!”
And then there’s Beyoncé telling Adele “Wow, sweetie, we’re both doing so amazing.”
And finally, there’s Natalie Cole and Whitney Houston, who don’t even need words to tell each other how amazing they are.
Talk about a power point!
Ah, sweeties, let’s all go out into this week with the energy of Lizzo and Janelle twerking on each other and also Janelle shouting her love for Lizzo from the audience, and also me watching Lizzo and Janelle appreciate each other and being emotionally overwhelmed by all of it. We’re all just doing so amazing.
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